The Convention of the Evil Dudes
by girl of ireland 44
Summary: Voldemort is out of evil ideas! What is he to do? Invite the world's villains to come to a convention and discuss various ways to kill Harry Potter! But things don't always go as planned....


This is my first story where Voldemort likes muggle game shows, twiddling his thumbs, and etc. I absolutely love humor stories, but writing one about Mrs. Rowling's notorious Voldemort? I dunno. So please review and say what I can do to make this story the best possible. Thanks and enjoy!

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Even villains get bored sometimes, you know? They can't just order folks around for no good reason, make plans that fail when they use them against the good guys, and do other evil deeds, such as give someone bunny ears in a wedding picture, neglect to put bacon on their evil henchfolk's BL&T sandwiches, switch the sign on the entrance of some building from "push" to "pull," or prank call some hapless person and tell them that their order of 1,000 lacy green pillows will arrive on their doorstep next morning. I mean, at some point, they're going to get bored, right? Or run out of evil plans? Being evil, most villains discover, can get as boring as a boring lecture on a boring subject about a boring lecture that was told in a boring way. So, of course, like most folks, good guys or bad guys, villains sometimes find themselves in situations where they have not a single fun thing (if villainy is fun, that is) to do.

This was the case of notorious Voldemort, the evil wizard that kept trying to kill an innocent boy named Harry Potter and failing. Soon Voldemort was running out of evil ideas. His henchfolk, or followers, christened "Death Eaters," had not been of help over this no-idea problem of how to kill Harry. All they wanted to talk about when he addressed his complicated predicament was _not_ at all what he had wanted to talk about.

For example, take the last meeting of the evil Dark Lord and the Death Eaters:

They were in a dark, windowless room complete with cobwebs and creepy crawly spiders peeping at you with their many glowing eyes. The carpet was stained and smelled old and musty. The cabinet in the corner looked gray, even though it was really brown, because of all the dust that covered it, almost hiding it from view. In the middle of this dark room was a long, wooden table with a dozen chairs or so. At the head of the table was a much greater chair, adorned with wooden snakes and glowing green gems. Here, at this table, sat Voldemort. He was pounding his long, white bony hands on the table for attention.

"Hey, Death Eaters, can't I get even one word in?!" He roared, peering angrily at them with his red slit-like eyes (think evil snake eyes).

The Death Eaters, who had all been loudly and eagerly discussing a movie that they had just seen about a talking duck who liked to play dominos and was friends with a purple singing donkey, paid him no heed.

Severus Snape, a Death Eater, was saying, "It was just, like, so amazing when the evil bunny and Kink, the duck, had that argument over what was the best topping on pizza. Like, it was awesome!"

"I preferred the part where Kink learned how to do the Hula," said Peter Pettigrew, a mousy-looking man. "It was simply an inspiration. I have already signed up at that dancing academy downtown for Hula lessons. Now all I have to do is get a bunny costume, and I will be ready!"

"A bunny costume? Whatever for?" asked Lucius Malfoy, eagerly completing the daily crossword in the wizard paper _The Daily Prophet_.

"Everyone knows a bunny costume is essential in the performing of the Hula," Peter huffed, who was beside him and looking down at the puzzle. "I think that one is 'purple cheese,'" Peter said, pointing. Lucius thanked Peter and wrote it down in the correct boxes.

"Yeah, _Fink the Duck: The Movie about a Duck Named Fink and His Friend Link the Horse Defeating the Evil Bunny Jink 2_ was great! At the beginning of the movies, I was glued to the seat. Well, literally, because someone spilled glue all over… But anyways, at the middle, after I got unstuck, I was rolling on the floor laughing, and at the end I had happy tears in my eyes. And throughout the whole thing I had a big bucket of popcorn! It was the best two hours of my life! Well, besides watching _Fink the Duck: The Movie about a Duck Named Fink and His Friend Link the Horse Defeating the Evil Bunny Jink," _Bellatrix Lestrange volunteered.

"But the sequel was much better," put in Yaxley, who snacking on some yummy crumbs of unknown origin in his pocket.

"Of course it was. The Snow Cone Fairy made her first appearance," Narcissus Malfoy agreed.

"ENOUGH!" shouted a very angry voice indeed from the front of the table. "I did not summon you here to this meeting to discuss some silly duck!" Voldemort roared, slamming his fists down on the table, making Lucius mess up on his crossword (he was writing in pen) and reduce him to tears. Peter had a bowl of porridge in front on him, and it sailed into the air as Voldemort's fist made contact with the table, splattering Peter in the face. And Narcissus was also upset, because as Voldemort pounded his fists on the table, her train made out of Legos was reduced to pieces.

After all this happened, Voldemort's Death Eaters could not concentrate at all, and Voldemort had to dismiss the meeting.

Back to the present:

"My lord, what did you summon us for?" asked Snape, at the next meeting in the same room with the same cobwebs.

"Well," Voldemort answered, "I summoned all you here today because of a big problem. The problem is…"

"Oh! Oh! Oh! I know what the problem is!" squealed a very excited Womtail, bouncing like a pogo stick around in his seat, finally toppling over. He got up as if nothing happened. "The problem is that our microwave stopped working!"

"Um, Peter, we do not have a microwave," said Goyle, another Death Eater.

"That is exactly what I mean!" yelled a very frustrated Peter.

Everyone of the Death Eaters, including Voldemort, gave him a very strange look indeed.

"What?" asked poor Peter, quite befuddled, especially after he had fallen out of his chair.

"Let's just forget that happened," our infamous villain said. He then returned his attention to his less befuddled Death Eaters.

"I'm in a pickle. I am at a loss what to do anymore. The Potter boy has thwarted me again and again, and I have had enough. I must admit also that my evil plans are not what they used to be. And with no evil plans that are good, I have nothing to do. All I can do now is twiddle my thumbs and watch muggle game shows."

(Now, as an authoress, I must explain to my readers what a "muggle," is, in case you do not know. A muggle is a non-magic person, that is, a person who cannot do magic.)

Now, back to Voldemort, who was saying:

"Which brings me to say that I need someone to un-boreden my day, if that is even a word. I need some other evil geniuses to assist me in my making of evil plans. I need the evil and intelligent input of other evil and intelligent people to help me make a plan to destroy that Potter boy for once and for all!"

Voldemort then broke into evil laughter which could best be described as a horse whinny, a pencil being sharpened in an electric pencil sharpener, and the air from a balloon escaping. It was a very eccentric laugh indeed. His evil cronies followed his evil laughter, each wanting their laughter to amount to their great master's.

After the evil laughter died down, Voldemort said, "So I have decided to send a letter to villains all around the world inviting them to some evil place where we can discuss that annoying Potter boy!"

And then all the villains burst into evil laughter again, with the exception of Peter, who was shouting, "I like cheese balls!"

And that was how our story began.


End file.
